He then proceeded to tell me some examples of when he felt hurt, sad, and betrayed in his marriage. “How about hurt? Have you ever felt hurt in your marriage?” Still, he looked confused, as though he couldn’t find the right words to describe his emotions. “Yes, I’ve felt that way before,” he nodded. And then a little longer…It must have been around 30 seconds before I decided to break the silence and provide him with another emotion. You could see the look of concentration and focus in his eyes. “What are some of the other emotions that you think you kept below the surface, hidden from your partner?” At first, he looked at me rather confused.
Our partners – and those close to us – end up only seeing the behaviours above the water, and those behaviours can sometimes push them away.Īfter drawing the iceberg, I asked this gentleman to tell me about the other emotions hidden below the surface. In certain relationships, we sometimes only show the top 10% and keep the most important feelings and thoughts hidden below the surface (the other 90%). For those who struggle with anger, the 10% seems to be the only emotion they feel most comfortable expressing. The behaviours that we do see (the top 10%) are influenced by the thoughts and feelings that we don’t see (90%). Well, in much the same way, our feelings and thoughts are often hidden below the surface. This means that we only see a small fraction most of the iceberg is hidden beneath the surface. According to most estimates, about 10% of an iceberg is above water and about 90% is below water. I think the iceberg is a really powerful metaphor for how we think, feel, and behave. All the other emotions are hidden below the surface. Sometimes, anger is the only emotion we show to others.
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